At this time of year, there are many transitions--graduations, weddings and commitment ceremonies, moves, vacations. What
might you imagine as a next step for your life? Even if there isn't some notable event that will redefine you or your life, you can make this a time of new choices. Many of us are limited by the rules we believe are essential for our lives. When we do not live by those rules, our inner critic comes in and says there is something wrong with us.

What are your rules for yourself? What are your rules for other people?

While we may say to ourselves and others that we are nonjudgmental, or we are wanting to be nonjudgmental/ accepting/even appreciating individual differences, we all have ideas about how we should be and how others should be, too. The challenge comes not in making our judgments but in denying our judgments. The learning is that our judgments are parts of ourselves that we do not like or accept. The judge or rule maker within us is a part, one part of us. If we deny it, in the same way as if we deny any other part of us, it pops out anyway.

Each person's primary ways of being have a set of rules that go with it.

For example, if you have a pusher, the part of you that has you work very hard, it has the idea that if you ever stop working so hard, you will never do anything again. If you have a perfectionist self, it is afraid you will become a slug if you stop being so careful about whatever you do. If you have a pleaser self, it is afraid that if you stop pleasing, no one will love you. Each primary self is absolutely convinced that this is why you are loved.

Most of us are terrified of letting the opposite parts of us have any say in how we live our lives. These primary ways of being in the world are aided and abetted by our inner critic. If we don't do what we think we ought to be doing, we beat up on ourselves. And, as a result of feeling lousy, we often continue to make the same choices that we have made over and over in our lives. Some of those decisions are just fine. Other times, though, we seriously limit our lives but paying too much attention to our own critical voice. The critical part of us/the critic, is along side the primary ways of being. The critic is the rule keeper--the bigger your rules, the bigger your critic. The stronger your rules, the stronger the critic you have inside of you.

Whatever we disown in ourselves, we find in relationships.

It is as if the universe has a plan for us to find what is not developed in us. Whoever or whatever it is that you judge is your disowned self. Whoever or whatever you hold in great awe is a disowned, hidden, denied part of you. I recently went on a trip with my partner. When we returned, I was in high gear doing the laundry, sorting the mail, unpacking. He wanted to get our doggie, hang out at the pool of the friends who had cared for her, and extend our vacation. My serious self was in conflict with his playful, relaxed self. Which side of the equation would you be on? What is important is not to dig in your heels and know your position is the right one, but to see what you have to learn from the other person. In this instance, what I had to learn was how to be more relaxed; of course, he had something to learn, too, how and when to be more serious. We stayed at the pool for the afternoon and then together did the work at home that needed to be handled, something that worked for each of us.

Here is the moment when we have to give up that delicious self-righteousness, spoken or not, of how much better the other person would be if only they would change.

And, change in the ways we would them to change! As a bountiful person, we may feel the impact of how others treat us, speak to us, respond to us. What could we possibly have to learn other than to like when others support us and dislike them when they do not. Perhaps, though, what is most important is to see them as our teachers. When you can see the other person as a teacher, rather than judge them or over value them, we can learn more about ourselves.

If someone says something hurtful to you, what there is to learn is how to be more entitled, that is, how to have your own voice to speak up for what you want/need/wish/desire. Rather than criticize someone else, as they have been critical or judgmental of you, what would be more helpful would be to see what the wish, desire, hope is that is under that criticism.

Each of us has a chance to become all we can be when we have what used to feel like a challenging situation, when something happens that does not feel so good. We each have our typical reaction: freeze (zone out, numb out, not be there), flee (leave the relationship or withdraw), fight, or submit (take it and build resentment). Another way to handle the situation is to say to ourselves, this person is our teacher; then we are on own way to different, fuller, richer, life. The way we change may not look like what we see in the other person but there is always a nugget for us to take away.

Imagine my friend who is always commenting on "how good" such and such looks because she has lost weight. Any of us could get into an upset about that, feeling that she is speaking to us indirectly. How can we think of such a comment as a teaching moment for us? What we have to learn is to speak up about what is on our mind rather than being so concerned about how and what the other person will hear, that the other person will take our comments as a personal comment about them. This may allow you to speak more openly and be more of who you want to be in the world.

Be in touch.

Until next month, wishing you a bountiful life!

Editor's Note: To learn more about Bonnie Bernell, her work and her workshops, check out her website at www.bonniebernell.com